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This is Death

She was staring at the marker with glazed eyes and a dead face, still as a statue for what felt like hours. I knew what she was feeling. I knew that all she wanted in that moment was to curl up in her daughter's grave and die, to be with her forever. She wasn't just hurting; she was experiencing the most excruciating pain a human being can suffer, mentally or physically. Someone had squeezed all the air out of her lungs, ripped her heart from her chest, stirred her insides with despair and heartache, and forever changed the essence of her humanity. And that someone was me.

I didn't choose to be Death. I was gifted with and cursed by it. Taking lives against my will, being given to me by someone else, sometimes done as an act of mercy, other times as an act of vengeance. I'm used to this. I'm used to all of this. I'm used to seeing the effects of my handiwork in the hearts and faces of loved ones, so much so that I've been hardened by it. Less by the genuine…
Recent posts

Life & Hands

I work in a clinic that manages patients who use blood thinners. I see a versatile demographic of people from young to elderly, rich to poor, thin to obese, etc. The one thing I've thought of in earnest recently is people's hands. I know it's a silly thing to think about really, but I find them truly mesmerizing. There's a lifetime of stories in people's hands and when you think about it, that's amazing. There is literally a lifetime of memories right there on two palms and ten fingers.


I look at my hands and I see the scars from the number of cuts I've gotten over the years. Cuts suffered from running through thick brush during summers spent at my grandparents. Cuts from handling wood without gloves. A scar from the single stitch I needed in the skin that stretches between my middle and ring fingers when I tried to core an apple with a steak knife... while it was sitting in my hand. I have scars from burns, evidence of a childhood I spent in the kitchen. W…

Ah, Sweet September...

In Spokane Valley, Washington, the air smells like Earth. It smells like rain and grass and dirt, all mixed into a glorious aroma that smells somewhat like the coming of fall. Last week we had about a whole week of pure rain and we thought it was the end of summer for good. But, alas, it nears October and the sun has graced us with her presence yet again. These past two days have been a joyous occasion. As I walked home from school yesterday, I felt overwhelmed witht the beauty I saw. I could smell the sweet perfume of long grass and ripe apples being played about on the light breeze. I could feel the sun shining onto my face. I could hear the trees dancing above my head, their leaves still clinging to their green coloration for just a moment longer. I could see the mountains, purple and green in all their majesty, watching over the valley as though guarding us from anything daring to ruin the serenity of our oasis. I wanted to be a tree for just 10 seconds, so I could reach up and pl…

"Change the World..."

We can change the world...

With one act of kindness to another, we can make the difference.

We can change our home, with the spreading of love instead of violence.

With hostility challenged by peace, we can change the fate of human kind.

We can change the world, with love replacing anger in the mind.



We can change the world...

With an act of conservation, we can make a stand.

We can save our planet, with the spreading of awareness through the land.

With saving instead of taking, we can preserve our precious earth.

We can change the world, with embracing our home's true worth.


With our hands joined in hopeful happiness, we can change the world...

Unanswered questions...

I am often told, "You are wise beyonjd your years." " You speak above your standards." "You are a very different kind of teenager."
I am often asked, "How do you think like this?" "Why do you think like this?" "Where do these thoughts come from?" I am so very flattered by the praise I get for some of my thoughts and, quite often, stumped by these questions that my thoughts arouse. The only answer I can give is, "I have no idea..." All my life, I've been different. Not the kind of different where my skin glows or where people notice me all the time, but the kind of different in knowing that there is something I know that others don't. I've never been one to attract attention to myself. I've never tried to be the most beautiful girl or the most talented kid. All I've ever wanted is to blend in. From first grade to tenth grade, I've just wanted to be like everyone else. Part of me still does. I …

Wishes

Oh, I have so many wishes running round inside my head. So many thoughts and goals and feelings that fill my heart with dread. My wishes are the product of things that will never be. And it eats a hole inside my heart, as they slip away from me. I wish for love inside my home; for joy, for love, for peace. I wish for things i cannot grasp; for things beyond my reach. I wish my sister loved me too, and that she would believe, That I love her and that I hope she'll reach her hopes and dreams. I wish my mom understood my heart and what I feel inside. It seems so hard, to say the least, to tell her what's on my mind. I wish my dad didn't work so hard; that he didn't strain his will. He seems so overwhelmed, sometimes, that his energy is hard to fill. I wish we were united by our hearts, our hands, our minds. But what's the point of wishing if wishing stays behind the lines? Oh, I wish my friends were different; That they didn't live in the dark. But I am not my fri…

When the trumpet sounds...

My family and I watched the new movie, Secretariat, a few weeks ago and I was moved like never before. The movie opened with a verse out of the book of Job and I wanted to share it with you...
"Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? Do you make him leap like a locust, striking terror with his proud snorting? He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray. He laughs at fear. afraid of nothing; he does not shy away from the sword. The quiver rattles at his side, along with the flashing spear and lance. In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground; he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds..." -Job 39:19-24

What is it in this verse that gives me goose bumps? Is it the power? Or the simple reminder in it? How is it that God was able to give such a powerful message to Job in the simplest of forms using one of His most simple creatures?
But then again, we are human, and God is superior to us beyond our wildest imaginati…